Studies show that many cisgender women have never had an orgasm. This is a shame, because orgasms are great and can be a wonderful part of sex.
Sex therapist Laurie Mintz recently appeared on the Justin Lehmiller podcast and shared her “homework assignments” for making orgasming easier. Mintz said that learning more about your genitals is step one.
1. Warm Up
Flo experts agree that, while female orgasms can be much more complex than male ones — and aren’t necessarily tied to sex in the bedroom (as a recent study suggests) — there are some common elements. Edging, pace, pressure, lubrication, and external stimulation like porn or personal fantasy are all crucial. It’s also a good idea to warm up your pelvic muscles with ab exercises or crunches. These core moves can boost blood flow to the pelvis and genital area, which will heighten your response to sexual stimulation.
It can take time to reach orgasm and climax, but you can experiment with foreplay techniques to speed things up. For instance, intimacy expert Susan Bratton’s “Butterfly Warm Up” technique is a tried and true way to increase pleasure for both you and your partner.
You can also try stimulating new areas of the body with sex toys that can be used solo or during oral sex with a partner. There are wands designed to hit the G-spot, vibrators that can be strapped in place and positioned over the anal region, and cock rings with protruding ticklers for the C-spot. You can also play with various sex positions, like the butterfly position or side-lying. Play around with different angles, textures and intensities to see what your body responds best to.
2. Stimulate Your Clitoris
The clitoris is one of the most sensitive erogenous — or pleasure-giving — parts of a woman’s body. The tiny organ, which is partially covered by a “hood” of skin, is situated near the top of the vulva and has a high concentration of nerves. Stimulating it directly can bring sensation and, ultimately, orgasms, says a sex educator. Whether using a toy, fingers, or your partner’s tongue, direct stimulation is key for arousal and is often necessary for orgasm.
It may help to learn what movements and pressures feel best on your clitoris. Many women find that one side of their clitoral hood is more sensitive than the other, so try stroking different areas in a variety of ways to see what feels good: up and down, diagonal, circular, left hand over right, and so on. You can also play around with how many fingers you use – if you’re used to one finger, try two or even three or four.
As you build pleasure, it’s helpful to keep track of how close you are to an orgasm. This will let you know how much more stroking or pressure is needed, so you can push yourself just before climax. Some people also find that meditative, yogic breathing helps them pace themselves and make the most of their pleasure.
3. Move Your Hands
It’s important to move around as you finger yourself – this stimulates blood flow and increases the intensity of sensations. You can use circular strokes, up-and-down motions or other types of stroking patterns. Experiment with different movements and strokes until you find what feels best, and then stick with it for the rest of your solo fingering session.
You can also try stroking other erogenous zones besides your clitoris, like the inner thighs, breasts and belly button. Lightly grazing these areas can increase arousal and boost squirting, which is often the sign of an orgasm approaching. Some women say that deep breathing — picturing the breath going all the way down to the pelvic floor — can help them reach an orgasm.
Some women also report that imagining the face of their crush or a handsome stranger can help them climax. While this may seem sexy, it’s not as effective as physical stimulation. Plus, if the person you’re imagining is someone who’s already in a relationship, you could risk losing focus and missing out on the orgasm altogether.
4. Relax
Some medical conditions, like heart disease or high blood pressure, and certain medications, like antidepressants and anti-seizure drugs, can interfere with your ability to reach orgasm. Other factors, like age and genetics, can also play a role in your climaxing abilities.
You should try to relax before you have sex so that your body can enter the heightened state that’s needed for orgasm. This will allow the erotic tension that has built up in your muscles to be released, giving you that mind-blowing sensation of pleasure.
To help yourself feel more relaxed, you should experiment with different kinds of sexual stimulation and masturbation. For example, instead of just penetrating yourself with your fingers, you can massage them or use a sex toy. Playing with your nipples, playing with the hair on your arms or neck and running your hands through your locks can be very relaxing and can also increase arousal.
You should also focus on what makes you happy and what feels good to you. This can be hard because our culture sends out contradictory messages of abstinence and slut-shaming, which can make it difficult to know what actually makes you tick. However, if you can tune in to what truly turns you on, you’ll find that getting an orgasm isn’t as difficult as you might think.
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