There are a lot of variables when it comes to orgasm. The truth is that it depends on a complex web of context factors including sex techniques, body type, medical history, and hormone levels.
In short, it’s all about what turns you on. Thankfully, there are many ways to orgasm—and trying new things is the best way to find out what that might be.
1. You’re not alone
If you feel like it’s taken forever to reach climax or that your body just isn’t built for orgasms, it’s important to know that you are not alone. In fact, there are many factors that go into the length of time it takes to orgasm, and every body is different.
Research shows that it can take between 6 and 20 minutes to reach orgasm during intercourse, a period of time that is different for every woman. This is likely because the body needs to warm up to climax, and it may take longer for some women than others. The good news is that it’s possible to speed up the process of reaching climax by switching up sexual techniques and playing with more than one partner.
There are also many things that can affect orgasms, including mood, energy levels, the quality of your relationship, and much more. This is why you might experience a fast orgasm one day and then struggle to get there the next.
If you want to improve your orgasms, try doing Kegel exercises — or pelvic floor exercises — to strengthen the muscles in your pelvis and abdomen. These muscles are crucial for orgasms, and doing them regularly can help your body become more accustomed to erogenous stimulation.
2. It’s a journey
The orgasm journey is very personal and varies by person. There is no one size fits all, and many experts recommend against comparing your experiences with those of others or preexisting concepts about what an orgasm should be like. Rather, focus on what works for you and what feels good. The more you experiment and communicate with your sexual partners, the more likely you are to reach climax.
As you continue to explore and experiment, try new things that feel good to you — you may find your next orgasm comes from a different part of the body than you’re used to reaching for. For example, some women say their surest route to orgasm is patient, extended oral sex, focusing on the clitoral hood with lubricated fingers and perhaps a sex toy.
It is important to remember that it takes a lot of energy to reach orgasm, and a woman’s emotional state can have a big impact on her ability to do so. Fear, guilt, distraction, and stress can all inhibit orgasms.
In addition to exploring new things and focusing on pleasure, try communicating with your sexual partners about what they like and don’t like sexually, and consider seeking out a sex therapist for more guidance on improving arousal and sexual response. Closing the orgasm gap also requires emphasizing sexual communication and focusing on clitoral stimulation for women (since research shows they tend to orgasm less than men), and de-emphasizing the idea that biology stands in the way of female climax.
3. It’s a process
A person can orgasm in a variety of ways. Some women orgasm on the touch of a sex toy, while others may feel it most deeply on their lips and tongue. Men, on the other hand, can experience orgasm on their clitoris or even with their fingertips.
The type of stimulation doesn’t necessarily make a difference, but it does matter that people use their bodies in a way that makes them happy. A lack of intimacy can affect one’s ability to orgasm, as can a person’s health, both physical and mental. People with certain medical conditions or those taking medications that impact blood flow and nerve supply to the pelvis might find it more difficult to reach climax.
Many people who have trouble orgasming focus on the wrong things. Trying to force orgasms, worrying that they’ll be too early or too late, and fixating on some sort of epic end result can all interfere with the pleasure process.
A more productive approach is to think of orgasms as a process rather than a moment. Whether you’re masturbating alone or with a partner, it can take time to reach your orgasm peak. The best thing you can do is to keep enjoying yourself and keep stimulating different parts of your body, knowing that you’ll eventually reach a pleasure high.
4. It’s a moment
When you orgasm, your body releases chemicals that make you feel happy, giddy, flushed, warm, or sleepy. These feelings are a sign that you’ve reached sexual climax, or the peak of pleasure during sexual activity. It’s a moment when you feel the biggest release of sexual arousal and muscle contractions in your genital area, which is usually at the clitoris.
Orgasms aren’t the same for everyone, though, and some people struggle to reach a satisfying orgasm during sex. A lot of things can impact your ability to orgasm, including stress, your relationship quality, your mood, and the type of stimulation you like. If you’re having trouble getting orgasms during sex, it may be worth talking to your primary care provider (PCP) about it. They can help you understand what’s going on with your sexual arousal and offer advice about how to improve your situation.
It can also be helpful to know that just because you’re not orgasming doesn’t mean your sexual arousal is low. You might just need to try out different methods and communicate better with your partner about what you like and don’t like. Also, don’t put too much pressure on yourself to orgasm, because sex can still be pleasurable without it.
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